last letter / John Sheares, 1798

Letter written by John Sheares, dated Kilmainham Prison July 10th 1798, addresed to 'my ever dear Julia' and 'a beloved and affectionate Family', mentions his brothers, Robert, Richard and Christopher whom he will shortly join. The trial is stated to be the day after the next. Also mentioned is Sally, whose husband will be returned to her and his poor unfortunate Louisa whose mother will give her up, to Julia's care without reluctance. Also given is an account of his debts, including a Mrs Duggan, who ran a school in Bray, H. Flemyngs the tailor, Cole the Shoemaker of Ormonde Quay in Dublin, and a Charles Coghlan of Cork. Transcript - Kilmainham Prison July 10th 1798 The troublesome scene of Life, my ever dear Julia is nearly closed and the hand that now trace these Lines, will in a day or two be no longer capable of communicating to a beloved and affectionate family the Sentiments of this heart. A Painful (?) task yet awaits me. I do not allude to my trial, nor to my execution. These were it not for the consciousness I feel of the misery you all will suffer on my account, would be trivial in comparison with the pain I endure at addressing you for the last time. You have been kind to me Julia, beyound example. Your solicitudes for my welfare have been unremitting, nor did they leave you a moments happiness. As a wayward fate seems from the earliest moment of my Life to have presided over my days, I will not now recapitulate the instances of a perverse destiny that seems to have marked me out as the Instrument of destruction to all I loved. Robert, Richard and Christopher , dear valued Brothers, if it be true that the human mind survives the body, I shall shortly join you, and learn for what wise purpose Heaven thought fit to select me as your destroyer. My Mother too, O God! My tender, my Revered Mother. I see her torn looks, her broken heart, her corpse. Heavenly Author of the Universe what have I done to deserve this misery. I must forbear these thoughts as much as possible, or I must forbear to write. My Trial comes on the day after tomorrow and the Event is unequivocal. You must summon up all the resolution of your soul my dear, dear Julia. If there be a chance of snatching my afflicted Mother from the grace, that chance must arise from your exertions, my darling Tally too will aid you. She will for a while suspend her joy at the Restoration of her Husband to her Arms, for of his escape I have no more doubt that I have of my own conviction and its consequence. All, all of you forget your individual Griefs and Joys, and Unite to save that best of Parents from the Grave stand between her and despair, if she will speak of me, sooth her with every assurance calculated to carry consolation to her heart, tell her that my death, tho' nominally ignominious, should not light up a blush in her face, that she knew me incapable of a dishonourable Action or thought, that I died in full possession of the esteem of all those who knew me intimately, that Justice will yet be done to my memory, and my fate be mentioned rather with pride than shame by my friends & relatives, you my dear Sister, if I did not expect the arrival of this Justice to my Memory, I should indeed be afflicted at the nominal ignominy of my death, lest it may injure your welfare & wound the feelings of my family, but above all things, tell her that at my own request, I was attended in my latest moments by that Excellent and pious man Doctor Dobbin, and that my last prayer was offered up for her. While I feared for Harrys Life, Hell itself could have no more tortures for the Guilty, beyond what I endured. I Pictured you all, a helpless, Unprotected Group of females left to the miseries of your own feelings, and to the Insult of a Callous insensible world. Sally too stript of a husband on whom she so tenderly doats, and his Children of their father, and all by my cursed interloping, by my residence with them, yet Heaven is my witness, how assiduously I sought to keep a loof in any of my political concerns from him, and would have entirely succeeded in doing so if it had not been for the art of that Villain Armstrong & Harrys own incaution. My Efforts however have kept him clear of any of those matters, that have involved me in discruction (?). When Sally has got him back to her arms, and that I who caused his danger & her Unhappiness shall be no more, she will cease to think of me with reproach, this I trust she will do. She ought, for she herself could never have done more for his Salvation, than I endeavoured to do. But the scene has changed, I am no longer that frantic thing I was, while his danger appeared imminent, a calm sorrow for the Sufferings that await you on my account, & a heartfelt regret at being obliged to quit your loved society for ever has succeeded. Yet all this will soon have an end and with comfort I already anticipate the moment when your subsiding grief gives you back to the enjoyment of each other,still my Dearest Julia, even when I shall be no more r/y (your) plagues on my account are not likely to cease, you remember, I am sure you do, your kind promises of protection to my poor Unfortunate little Louisa, I make no doubt but her Mother will give her up to r/y (your) care without reluctance, yet how to improve this new anxiety on you I know not, but of this I will say nothing, I know r/y (your) heart, I never could resist the goodness, with which it insisted on easing mine by burdening itself, what to recommend relative to her I cannot resolve. Harry did once me to take her into his house. But I had a thousand Objections to that plan then, some of which still Remain. One material one is, but do not tell Harry for it would hurt his feelings, that Jane might injure her, another is that she would soon learn from Servants and others how different her Situation there was from that of the other Children, and her young mind would very early feel that chilling inferiority and degradation, that lead to a debasement of principle & ultimately to mean and unworthy actions, no, a great many reasons concur to decide me against that measure, she should be put to some school, where more care is taken of health than education, and where the only attention to Morals consists in good honest example, (?), she was at a Mrs Duggans at Bray, to who, I yet owe 10 Guineas for her and which I request of my dear Mother to pay for me when convenient. I do not owe any more on my account to any one whatsoever. I likewise owe a Note of hand for about 13 pounds or Guineas, to a man in Caple Street, whom the Flemyngs (?) know, I cannot mention the name of these Friends without emotion of Gratitude and tenderness not to be expressed never cease to assure them that I preserve the recollection of their goodness tho' the instances of it are so many, and shall feel it to the last moment, this debt they will be obliged to pay if not discharged by my mother, as they passed their word for it and thus released me from arrest, you will therefore mention it to my poor afflicted mother, Great Gods!, how I have stript her & you, but I have stript you of happiness & should not talk of money, I owe a few Guineas to the worthy Charles Coghlan of Cork, and about two to Cole the Shoemaker on Ormonde Quay. To H. Flemyngs Taylor also for a suit of Black Clothes, and I believe some small balance of an account to H.F. himself, this is all I at present recollect. Good night Julia. I am going to rest with a heart, than (sic) God! free from the consciousness of intentional offence, and from any wish tainted with personal resentment. I seek my bed with pleasure, because in it I often fancy myself in the full possession of that domestic happiness which I always regarded as the first of human enjoyments, pray Heaven I dream of you all tonight.;